“there was a case where a mother helped a man rape her child.” Sexual abuse of children in families Our friend Seryoga

Anastasia Melnichenko
Head of GO "Studena"
author of the book "#I'm Not Afraid to Say​"

The main thing that makes a child remain silent about the fact that sexual violence has occurred in his life is the taboo of the very topic of sex and sexuality.

It doesn't matter why parents refuse to discuss it. Whether they consider sexual relations a “dirty” topic, or are simply embarrassed and cannot find words, the result is the same: the child closes down and is afraid to talk to his parents about this topic.

When a child does not have reliable information about where healthy relationships are and where unhealthy ones are, he is disoriented and defenseless. He cannot resist, he does not know whether he can resist, whether he has the right to do so.

He cannot always even understand that what they are doing to him is sexual violence.

One of the #I'm not afraid to say participants said that her father regularly harassed her. But she didn’t talk about it with her mother, because she believed that all parents do this, that this is part of the communication between father and child. The father presented this to her as a normal situation, and no one spoke to the girl about it anymore. This all lasted until she was 14-15 years old, when she grew up and realized what was really happening.

Child sexual abuse can continue for years. This happens when the rapist is someone from a close circle, a person “you would never think of.” But most children are silent about this, even understanding what is happening. Why?

Perhaps the topic of sex in the family is considered shameful by default. A child who has been subjected to violence considers himself guilty, spoiled, he does not confess because he is afraid of punishment.

Or perhaps he tried to talk, but received an inadequate reaction: screams, insults. Or the parents simply walked away from the conversation.

The desire of parents to avoid the topic of sex in a conversation with a child sometimes develops into the position of an ostrich: head in the sand, “this does not exist and cannot exist.”

Then, even if the child tells what happened to him, they simply will not believe him.

The girl wrote how, before entering university, she came for a consultation with some important professor. He started groping her, touching her breasts and scheduled an additional consultation on Saturday evening. The girl got scared and told her mother. But my mother said that all this was fiction.

There are so many similar stories involving teachers, and they are all so similar that I didn’t even include them in the book.

Recently, at an educational conference in Kharkov, I spoke about violence against teenagers. And one of the teachers present reacted simply amazingly: “Well, they’re all lying, that they’re being raped!”

That is, a person, a teacher, is initially so determined that all stories about sexual harassment or rape of minors are lies and childish fantasies. And this, in fact, is what leaves the child alone with this situation and does not give him the opportunity to get out of it.

It is not customary for us to respect a child’s personal boundaries. With adults it’s all the same, but with children it’s not customary to stand on ceremony. As a result, children do not feel their boundaries and do not know how to defend them when someone else’s is introduced.

For example, mom says: “Let Uncle Valera kiss you.” Uncle Valera kisses, the child says that this is unpleasant for him, and his mother scolds: “This is your uncle, he’s good. Let’s obey!”

Unquestioningly obey your elder, don’t contradict him, even if you don’t like it, or it’s unpleasant - these attitudes make the child easy to handle, and absolutely defenseless against the abuser. “He’s older, you need to obey him”

The devaluation of boundaries begins at the most everyday level, even without the participation of the conditional uncle Valera, or any third parties. Take this common dialogue that occurs in almost every family: “Go eat! - I don't want. “No, I said, go eat!” This is ignoring and suppressing the child’s desires.

The child receives the attitude: “Your wishes and feelings are not important. The main thing is to do what one of the adults needs.” In the end, he ceases to understand what he really wants. In some cases, in order to establish contact with himself, in order to learn to understand where his own desires are and where they are imposed, a person needs to work with a psychotherapist.

Devaluation concerns not only physical boundaries, but also spiritual ones. In our society, people often start to be bullied just because they hold an unpopular point of view on something.

This is also very pronounced among teenagers. For example, if at school having sex is considered a sign of cool, then a girl who wants to preserve her virginity until marriage is almost guaranteed to face ridicule and bullying.

It is important to explain to the child that building and protecting boundaries is difficult, but no one said it would be easy. This is similar to what is happening in our country now. There is a war going on and we are defending our borders. It's not easy either, but people do it because it's important.

No normal parent wants to put their child at risk or hand him over to a rapist. But some parental reactions or behavioral stereotypes accepted in the family can become a stepping stone towards tragedy. These are small moments that we may not even pay attention to. But from time to time they emerge in relationships and become part of the child’s worldview, forming shame, fear, and blocking trusting relationships. It is better to track these moments in time and get rid of them.

Attitudes towards nudity

The child accidentally caught his parents naked. Awkwardness in such a situation is a natural reaction. But, if at the same time you shout at the child, feverishly close yourself off, blame, “It’s a shame, why didn’t you knock?” — the reaction is reinforced that a naked body is shameful.

Or another situation. The child begins to explore himself, expresses himself, and his parents beat him on the wrist for this, threaten him, and insult him. This is also an inadequate reaction; it instills in the child the idea that our genitals are something bad, dirty and shameful.

Abusers use this feeling of shame very often. They say, “If you tell your parents what I did to you, they will know how dirty or dirty you are and will stop loving you.” Children believe and follow the lead of the rapist.

One woman described the situation. The man lured her daughter out of a photo where the girl was without clothes. And he began to threaten that he would send it to all her classmates if she did not send him more explicit pictures. With this he hooked the child, for the girl it was a tragedy.

If the child did not have such acute shame about nudity and his body, he would not have followed the lead. Yes, it’s unpleasant, it’s offensive, but this is not a reason to be “on the hook.”

Attitude to sex

If a child sees that the topic of sex is taboo, and he cannot freely talk about this topic in his family, he will take this information from other sources available to him. What is available to him? Online pornography, various tales and stories that circulate at school and among peers. But these are not the sources that will tell you truthfully about sex and teach you to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy sexual relationships.

It is important that parents are the source of information about sex for a teenager, and that he can calmly talk about this topic. If the question takes you by surprise, it is better to say: “I won’t talk about this topic now, give me time, and I will answer all your questions a little later.” But don’t go off topic, hoping that the child will forget, and don’t mask your embarrassment with scolding or ridicule.

For a child, sex is initially something neutral. It is our attitude towards sex that gives it a certain emotional coloring.

A child is interested in sex not even for physiological reasons, and not because he is “spoiled.” It’s just something secret that all adults have, but a child does not.

If parents show a child that sex is something dirty, disgusting, which is not even worth talking about, he, of course, will be ashamed to tell if something happens to him that in his understanding is bad and dirty.

Attitudes towards violence and victims of violence

Topics of rape pop up willy-nilly in discussions and conversations. The child will read your position, even if you are sure that he does not hear or does not understand what you are talking about.

If you tend to shift the blame onto the rape victim, “It’s your own fault, you shouldn’t have...”, if you make value judgments, like “She’s always wandering around,” “She behaves like she’s asking for trouble,” rest assured: the child captures it all. He learns: sex is bad, those who are raped have themselves to blame.

If this suddenly happens to him, he will think that he is not good enough. But the child cannot tell his parents that he is not good, and he closes himself off and is left alone with the trauma.

The same applies to some emphasized attitude towards virginity. If you focus on it, mention how important it is, you cannot lose it, because it is an honor, this blocks the child’s desire to admit what happened, otherwise the parents will consider him or her spoiled, useless to anyone.

This is a point that I think is very important and one that you need to track very carefully in your conversation.

Sexual abuse of children

Sexual abuse of children includes quite a lot of actions in addition to the sexual act itself, such as forcing a child to sexually touch various parts of the body of an adult or child, inducing a child to be naked in front of other people, involving him in participating in various sexual orgies and rituals, accompanied by sexual activity. It should be noted that not all sexual assaults necessarily involve nudity and tactile contact.

American experts define child sexual abuse as any sexual experience between a child under 16 years of age and a person at least five years older than him or her. In addition to sexual violence, there is the concept of sexual abuse of children. Sexual abuse refers to the involvement of children and adolescents in sexual activities, the essence of which, due to their age, they cannot fully understand and consent to. Sexual abuse is the non-violent use of a child to satisfy one's sexual desire. Sexual abuse may include playing with a child in a sexually suggestive manner, taking nude photographs of a child, showing a child erotic or pornographic materials, or talking to a child about sex or sex-related matters in a way that is inappropriate for the child’s age.

Since physical violence does not occur during sexual abuse, there are usually no external signs of violence, so it is very difficult to prove that it happened. However, despite the absence of physical damage, the child experiences psychological shock. His behavior changes dramatically, so parents should pay special attention to his unusual manifestations. It is possible to identify the fact of sexual abuse of a child by an adult using special diagnostic methods. Such methods include children's games, children's drawings, and the use of anatomically correct dolls during conversations.

Child sexual abuse does not have to involve coercion by force or threats. Children do not always understand the intent of the rapist, so the very fact of sexual acts against a child is considered sexual violence.

In real life, it is sometimes difficult to distinguish the beginning of violent actions against a child from positive tactile contact, which is the norm in communicating with children. The main difference here lies in the intentions of the adult towards the child. The child must feel the disposition of the adult. Any tactile contacts should be made without a second thought.

Typically, children under twelve years of age are victims of sexual abuse, but children between three and seven years of age are most often at risk of sexual abuse. At this age, children do not yet understand what is happening, all adults are authoritative for them, so it is easier for them to intimidate, persuade, force them to take any action, and also persuade them to not disclose what happened. Also, the adult who committed the violence expects that a child of that age does not yet have enough vocabulary to explain what happened. Since young children tend to fantasize, often mixing fiction with reality, they most likely will not believe his story, even if he decides to tell his parents about it.

According to statistics, about 20-30% of girls and 10% of boys are subject to sexual violence in childhood. Moreover, boys are much more likely than girls to be subjected to violence at a young age, despite the fact that violence against girls occurs three times more often. In 75% of cases, the rapists are people familiar to the children, and in 45% of cases, the role of the rapist is a relative of the child - a father, stepfather, brother or uncle.

The topic of child abuse is quite sensitive; most educators and psychologists do not like to discuss it any less than children who have been raped. During the conversation, many of the specialists ask questions that are not entirely correct and do not hear children’s hints about the violence that has occurred. As practice shows, even if the fact of violence has been revealed, all the attention of specialists is focused mainly on the criminal, forgetting that the child first of all needs psychological support and medical assistance. Even many parents, becoming obsessed with the act of retribution, forget how much the raped child needs them now.

Peculiarities of child behavior after sexual violence (younger and older)

After rape, a child develops post-traumatic syndrome, which makes it difficult for him to tell other people about what happened. A child shares his troubles with a specialist only if he inspires great confidence in him. If he closes himself off, it can be quite difficult to establish the fact of sexual violence. The child experiences a sense of guilt for what happened, fear and shame. In addition, he is worried about the reaction to this news from his parents and others. The child thinks that if he tells the psychologist that he was raped, he will betray and humiliate his parents and disgrace his family. In addition, a raped child experiences a feeling of suppressed anger and is afraid that by saying in words what happened to him, he will no longer control his anger. Mixed with all this is the fear of being rejected by society, of becoming an outcast, branded by this shameful fact.

While sexual abuse leaves little or no physical trace of the crime, sexual abuse can cause visible physical harm to a child. Injuries are divided depending on the nature of the sexual act performed. During vaginal intercourse, girls experience a violation of the hymen, bruises and abrasions in the genital area, dilatation of the vagina, and a little later concomitant infectious diseases may appear. During anal intercourse, damage and ruptures of the rectum, redness, and weakening of the sphincter may be observed. If a child has been raped orally, symptoms such as eczema and herpes on the lips or mouth may appear. The child may refuse to eat food and begin to lose weight.

Signs of rape of a child may also include bruises and abrasions on the body, various types of discharge and bleeding from the genitals, bruises, bites on intimate parts of the body, torn or blood-stained underwear, complaints of pain in the abdomen, repeated bladder infections, pregnancy from an unknown person.

However, due to certain circumstances, all these signs may not exist. Then it is possible to understand that a child has been raped only by analyzing changes in his behavior.

These changes are the first signs of the onset of post-traumatic syndrome.

Changes associated with the expression of childhood sexuality

They can manifest themselves in the child’s increased interest in games of sexual content. The child knows an unusually lot about sex for his age, displays seductive behavior towards peers of the opposite sex, and sexually flirts with adults. Parents may notice that he uses sexual actions towards other children, peers or younger ones, for example, masturbation, rubbing genitals against each other, and others.

Changes in emotional behavior and communication with others

The child can withdraw into himself, close himself off from others, often strives to be left alone, and isolates himself from everyone. His mood is dominated by sadness and depression; the child is quite often in a depressed state. He feels disgusted with himself, with his body, and is tormented by a feeling of shame and his own guilt for what happened. He shows distrust of all adults. He is tormented by dark thoughts that distract him from his usual activities. The child becomes thoughtful, it seems that he is constantly in the clouds. A stressful state makes his psyche extremely unstable, so it is easy to get him out of a balanced state with any trifle. He can throw a tantrum out of nowhere. Difficulties arise in communicating with friends and classmates. a complete cessation of old friendships is possible. The child may also stop communicating with siblings. Feelings of resentment and anger can manifest themselves in increased aggression towards young children, animals, and toys.

Social changes in the child’s personality, changes in motivation

A raped child comes to terms with his weakness. His ability to self-defense and resistance decreases. He humbly endures bullying, because he considers himself already spoiled. Psychological stress affects a child’s performance at school, and changes can occur for both the better and the worse. But most often he begins to shirk his studies and skips classes at school. Another change in behavior may be expressed in the child's acceptance of the parents' social roles. This is reflected in increased activity in doing homework. All of a sudden he begins to show interest in cleaning, washing, and cooking. volunteers to help care for his younger brothers and sisters. In some cases, the child becomes disillusioned with his family and may leave home. This option is typical for teenage children.

Changes in the child's consciousness

A child who is raped experiences a sharp decline in self-esteem. He is disappointed in people, believes that he was cruelly used, abused, but at the same time he is tormented by an acute sense of his own guilt for what happened. If the rape has become public, the child feels humiliation and shame; it seems to him that everyone around him is looking at him condemningly, pointing fingers, whispering behind his back. Unbearable mental suffering can push a child to thoughts of suicide. A significant proportion of suicides by children and adolescents are committed precisely because of rape.

Neurotic and psychosomatic changes

The child begins to experience fear of being alone with a specific person. After sexual abuse, children may become afraid of undressing in front of other people. They refuse to change clothes in the presence of classmates before a physical education lesson or swimming pool, and refuse medical examinations that involve exposing certain parts of the body. The child may also complain of pain in the abdomen, stomach, heart, or headache.

The consequences of sexual violence are determined by a number of factors. The severity of these consequences for the child’s psyche depends on the personality of the child himself and the personality of the rapist, on the frequency, severity and duration of rape committed against the child, on how the child’s relatives reacted to this fact. Traumatic situations are more difficult for children raised in single-parent or dysfunctional families, since parents cannot objectively assess the harm caused to the child and often downplay it.

According to statistics, sexual violence is most often committed against young children, as well as those with a lower level of mental development. The characteristics of personality disorders resulting from rape will depend largely on the age and developmental level of the victim. The consequences for the child’s psyche will be more severe if sexual rape was accompanied by physical injuries and damage that caused physical pain to the child. Compared to sexual abuse, sexual abuse in the form of vaginal, oral or anal intercourse is the most traumatic for a child. Also, a strong shock for the child will be the fact that sexual violence was committed against him by a person close to him. The attitude of close relatives to the incident can also cause severe trauma if they begin to blame the child for it and take the side of the rapist. As absurd as it sounds, such cases are far from rare. For example, a stepfather rapes his teenage stepdaughter, and the mother stands up for her husband, blaming her daughter for it. that she provoked a healthy man with her behavior and appearance.

After a child experiences violence, he develops post-traumatic stress syndrome. At different stages of life, the symptoms of this syndrome manifest themselves differently.

Let's consider the symptoms characteristic of children and adolescents of different ages who have suffered sexual abuse:

• very young children under the age of three begin to experience various kinds of fears; they cannot determine exactly what they are feeling, much less express their feelings; there are disturbances in appetite, sleep, aggression, fear of strangers;
• In preschoolers, emotional disorders come to the fore, while psychosomatic disorders manifest themselves to a lesser extent. Children experience severe anxiety, fear, and helplessness. It seems to them that they themselves are to blame for the fact that they were raped, they feel spoiled, and are ashamed of this fact. Detachment and sometimes aggression appear in the behavior of preschoolers. You can notice the children's attraction to sexual games, they begin to masturbate. Sometimes there is a regression effect;
• At primary school age, children experience ambivalent feelings towards adults. Many children have certain difficulties determining their role in the family. After rape, children of this age begin to experience fear, disgust, and shame. They don’t trust anyone anymore, so they withdraw from society, show aggression towards others, often withdraw into themselves, and refuse to talk. Children may experience insomnia and loss of appetite. It seems to them that the rapist, by his actions, spoiled them, stained them, trampled them. They feel "dirty";
• Children aged 9-13 years experience symptoms similar to those of younger schoolchildren. Plus, children are often depressed and sometimes lose their senses. In the behavior of children of this age, there may be a tendency towards sexual manipulation of peers. But in general the behavior is quite contradictory;
• Teenagers who have been sexually abused experience intense feelings of shame and disgust. They stop trusting people, while at the same time blaming themselves for what happened. Adolescents often experience sexual dysfunctions, violations of social roles, and ambivalence. Children feel rejected and unwanted. They avoid contact with loved ones, withdraw into themselves, and when loved ones try to help, they can show aggression. For a long time after rape, teenagers avoid building relationships with the opposite sex, avoid intimacy, not only intimate, but also emotional. At this age, the likelihood of committing suicide attempts and running away from home increases sharply.

Young children are not always able to connect post-traumatic symptoms specifically with rape, and this is an important condition for coping with stress. Children often suffer from nightmares. When talking about a dream, a child may not understand what it is connected with, but for an adult it is obvious. A traumatic situation for a child can be repeatedly replayed in his thoughts and expressed in games and drawings. As a rule, they repeat the same plot. By pouring out his experiences on paper or his favorite toys, the child seeks relief from his suffering, but... not finding it, he starts all over again.

Sexual abuse has lasting consequences in a child's future life. Having once experienced rape by one adult, the child projects the image of the rapist onto everyone else. This can be expressed in fear, avoidance, suspicion, mistrust. Any sexual stimuli can cause hostility and fear for a long time. In adulthood, people who have been subjected to childhood violence almost always experience problems in their sexual lives.

Exceptions and prohibitions are difficult for young children. When you tell them not to talk to strangers, they nod their head in agreement, but don't really understand what is being asked of them or why. They don't understand the rule itself. Firstly, they do not understand who should be considered a stranger, and secondly, they are confused by the requirement not to talk while simultaneously requiring them to be polite and greet adults. They see how you yourself communicate every day with many people whom you do not know, and at the same time forbid your child from doing this. It is difficult for him to understand what the danger is here.

In order for the rule to reach the child, it is necessary to define positive attitudes, not prohibitions. Children perceive more easily what needs to be done than what cannot be done. Therefore, the “don’t talk to strangers” rule needs to be reformulated into a rule “always be in sight of the adult caring for the child” .

A child is easy to deceive and lure, therefore, while he is still small, the entire burden of responsibility for his safety falls on the shoulders of his parents. You should always know where and with whom your baby is at any given moment. Make it a rule so that your child always tells you where he is going and what he is going to do . This rule is perceived quite easily by him, since he himself is always interested in where you are and what you are doing.

A child perceives all adults entering the house approximately equally. From early childhood, his parents instill in him a sense of respect for adults, so it is difficult for them to understand how an adult could offend him. Of course, a child cannot be expected to be able to correctly assess the misbehavior of an adult and give a worthy rebuff, but they can be taught to distinguish bad behavior from good in a way that is understandable to them, and also to say “no” if an adult tries to force them to break the rules, set by parents.

Children love rules, and this is the main benefit of teaching them the rules for their own safety. They live by rules. Even if adults deviate from the standards they themselves have established, children immediately strive to correct them. If the rules you establish are presented to the child in simple and clear language, then he will definitely understand them, accept them and follow them. Try to follow logic when establishing safety rules, i.e. do not deviate from the order of things familiar to the child.

Try to teach your child talk about all the extraordinary events of the day , even if it's nothing. Encourage him to notice any oddities in the behavior of people he knows and share them with you. If he talks every day about the events of the day, he will certainly not fail to notice that some adult behaved in an unusual way towards him. For you, this may be a signal to be wary and, perhaps, will allow you to avoid trouble.

By setting the boundaries of what is permitted in the behavior of our children, we protect them from danger, because they themselves do not yet realize what troubles may await them in life. By setting limits and prohibitions, parents must explain to the child that by doing this we are not trying to limit his personal freedom, but are protecting his life and health. Later, when the child grows up, he will be able to decide for himself what is dangerous and what is not, but while he is small, his parents are responsible for his safety. We must teach the baby to distinguish what is dangerous and what is not.

Already at the age of three, a child should recognize and name all parts of his body. Moreover, he already needs to navigate which parts of his body are intimate. The baby should know the correct names for his genitals and pronounce these words without hesitation, just as he names other parts of the body. In addition to knowing the developmental structure of his body, this will help him, in the event of abuse, accurately describe which parts of his body were abused. He must be able to correctly identify and formulate any attempts at sexual violence. After all, if he has been taught for a long time that the words that define the name of the genitals cannot be used in speech or pronounced out loud, then in the case of sexual harassment he can remain silent about this fact only due to the fact that talking about it is considered indecent.

Children need to know which adults can touch their genitals and which adults are not allowed to do so. They need to understand the difference between good and bad touching of their body, and they need to be taught how to fight back if they don't want to be touched.

By teaching this to children, you are teaching them a very important life skill - to say no. Already at the age of three, a child must accurately understand that the genitals are his intimate parts of the body, which strangers should not touch.

Good touches include a handshake, hugging a child if he wants it, a kiss on the cheek, on the forehead, on the top of the head. It is also not prohibited to rock the baby or hold it in your arms. A child should define touch as bad if an adult hugs him too tightly and for a long time, presses him to himself, tries to kiss him forcibly, tickles him when he doesn’t like it, touches the baby’s genitals, forces the child to kiss or touch himself.

The child must know who should be considered a stranger. For a small child, this is any person he does not know. By the age of three, a child must learn to distinguish between members of his family - mom, dad, brothers, sisters, relatives - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends - people with whom he and his parents communicate, and strangers - those who he doesn't know. Later he will begin to distinguish friends from just acquaintances, but this will happen over time. At an early age, the baby must learn to navigate the people who are related to him and clearly identify strangers.

The child must know his contact information . Make him memorize his full name, home address, and phone number. It should be clearly fixed in his head. If he gets into trouble, he should not get confused and forget it. Explain to your child that if something happens to him, he needs to give his information to a policeman, doctor, or firefighter. He must automatically give out this information, otherwise in a critical situation he will forget it or be embarrassed to say it.

Teach your child to use the phone in emergencies . He must be able to dial the emergency number in a critical situation. Just remember to explain to your child what is considered a critical situation so that he does not use the number for nothing. Of course, there is no guarantee that he will actually call for help by phone if necessary, but if you provide him with such information, the chances of salvation will increase.

Young children are too trusting, so parents must actively protect and protect them from strangers. It is best if you are always nearby, and the child strictly follows the rules you set. Affectionate children are at particular risk of becoming victims of a pedophile. For them, physical contact is a way of communication, so they share emotions. Convince them that they need to communicate using words, and affection should be reserved for their parents. Establish a rule that the child accepts physical affection only from close people.

Very often, small children on the street are treated to sweets or fruit by strangers. Teach your child to ask your permission before accepting the gift. This rule is very useful for the safety of the child. Very often, rapists lure children with various treats or promises. By refusing candy, the child becomes less vulnerable to the rapist, since in each case he asks for your permission. This fact will scare away a pedophile. Of course, this rule can be canceled for acquaintances, friends and relatives.

All these tips will help protect your child from harassment by strangers and can save him from violence. If trouble does happen, then the main rule is to act in the interests of the child, be there. It’s very difficult for him at this moment. Help him rehabilitate. Be attentive to your children.

Nowadays, every TV channel covers child sexual abuse. Sometimes it seems that we even get used to the intonation with which the commentator talks about the next case, and we forget that behind each such message there are broken destinies, the pain of children and parents, whose lives will no longer be the same. You need to know the enemy by sight in order to prevent new cases. This article describes what the causes, signs and consequences of sexual violence are.

Causes of child sexual abuse

Where does pathological attraction to a child come from? A person does not choose what he wants and what he does not, all desires are dictated to him by his psyche. Any disgusting and illegal desires are a sign that a person has a serious delay in psychosexual development. The training “System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan” allows you to distinguish people by their inner desires and predict what a particular person is capable of. There are 8 vectors in total, different combinations of which determine the variety of mental types. Each vector has its own specific desires.

Rapists are only people who have an anal vector in their mental makeup. Not all of them, but only those who made grave mistakes in their upbringing in childhood. Such people have a powerful libido and complex sexuality. When they are in a developed and realized state, then children are sacred to them, those who need protection and care. Often such people devote themselves professionally to children: teachers, educators, lecturers, pediatricians. Passing on your experience and knowledge, teaching and caring is the natural desire of a person with an anal vector. These are the best people in the world who can be trusted by the younger generation. Janusz Korczak is an example of a person who throughout his life proves his devotion and great love for children.

Why is one person with an anal vector an example of caring for children, while another becomes a rapist? The main causes of sexual abuse of children are psychological trauma, underdevelopment of people with the anal vector and the anal-visual ligament vectors.

Human sexuality is limited by several taboos. Naturally, we feel that we cannot take a woman without her consent, that we cannot enter into intimate relationships with close relatives or minors. These same prohibitions are protected by law. If you break the law, you will receive punishment. In an undeveloped person with an anal vector, unconscious attraction breaks the taboo and he experiences an irresistible desire to have sexual intercourse with a girl or boy. A person who cannot create anything in life, does not have high goals and desires, is content only with instincts.

Sexual violence in the family

If you do a little analysis, it will become obvious that often the rapist is a person from the immediate environment. A neighbor in the country, a housemate, or a family member: a stepfather, an older cousin who came to stay, an older sister’s husband. These are the people with whom the victim often comes into contact, knows and is not afraid to be alone. Such people prefer to engage in sexual contact only in a familiar environment, when confidential communication has already been established, and this person is part of the family. He studies the interests of the child, wins him over, becomes an older friend, a pleasant comrade, for whom the victim is ready to do anything. Especially if the rapist also has a visual vector, then he can psychologically manipulate the child in such a way that the child does not understand that he is being seduced and wants to cause harm.

By taming the baby, such a manipulator creates an emotional attachment. Communication is always reinforced by what is especially pleasant: sweets, joint games, secrets. Thus, he creates conditions for himself under which, after violent acts, the child will never tell anyone about what happened. After all, this will be a joint secret that they agreed on in advance. And yet, sexual intercourse with children is always violence and not the child’s choice.

Sometimes, instead of becoming an affectionate friend, a man in the family (for example, a stepfather) shows aggression towards children. First in the form of unfounded reproaches and nagging, then the reproaches turn into slaps and beatings. And the next step could be sexual violence. In this case, the stepfather will do this on the grounds that the stepson annoys him with his presence, and all the aggression, due to sexual and social unfulfillment, will be splashed out in the form of violence against someone who is weaker than him and cannot fight back. And so that what happened is not made public, the rapist will not resort to “secrets” - he will simply threaten with violence. In this case, we are talking about anal men without a visual vector with severe developmental delays and, as a rule, completely unrealized in society and personal life. In such conditions, alcohol disinhibits conscious control and can push them to commit a crime.

Statistics show that most often children are subjected to violence at home in the family - by family and friends. Often - for a long time, and no one even knows about it. All this complicates the injury and suppresses the development of the child’s psyche for many years.

Signs of sexual abuse

The first signs will be abrasions, bruises, scratches, soiled and bloody baby underwear. And the signs that are revealed during a medical examination. This can hardly be overlooked. But violence is not always brutal and “one-time” in nature.

But what are the signs of regular sexual violence? After all, children can hide this for various reasons? They can make a “friend” promise not to tell anyone anything. Or they don’t know how to tell it because they don’t fully understand what’s happening to them. This applies primarily to preschool children. But it will not be difficult for attentive parents to notice the changes. For example, he was sociable and talkative, but at some point he became uncommunicative, secretive, and uptight. Another sign is that detachment and distrust of adults have appeared; alienation from brothers and sisters, from peers. Hysterical or aggressive behavior has appeared. Cruelty towards toys and younger ones is also a sign to look out for. Or vice versa, non-resistance to violence and mockery of oneself, resignation, humility, inability to defend oneself. Another sign will be the fear of undressing in front of others, and for this reason, a child may refuse to attend physical education and swimming classes at school or kindergarten.

Signs of sexual violence may include diseases of the genitourinary system: frequent and painful urination, bleeding and discharge from the genitals, as well as signs of sexually transmitted diseases.

Even if there are no obvious signs of abuse on a child's body, his behavior can suggest whether he is being sexually abused. It is important to notice, react correctly and protect the child from further attacks and consequences.

Otherwise, what lies ahead is a crippled life not only for the victim of violence, but for the entire family. Broken mother-father-brother-sister relationships. The inability of a raped girl to start a family in the future and communicate freely with other people. She will remain like this for the rest of her life, as if crushed by a “granite slab” of violence, general condemnation and reproach from the family and the inability to talk about this topic. The listed signs of violence can be noticed by any attentive parent.

Consequences of child sexual abuse

Sexual abuse in childhood is a serious psychological trauma, as a result of which a sense of security and safety is lost, and subsequently delays in psychosexual development appear, everyone is different.

Children with anal vector

A child with an anal vector will experience feelings of guilt and resentment. If violence was committed by a family member, then a resentment arises that he will unconsciously carry throughout his life. Resentment towards relatives, towards men, towards one’s fate, towards life in general. He will treat himself as someone dirty, he will consider himself worse than others. As a result, there is a desire to disown the family in which he lives; he cannot start his own family as an adult. Relationships and family will be perceived as sources of extreme suffering, so for him, family is where he felt humiliated and abused. Subsequently, in addition to internal rejection of the family, there is a desire to take revenge on everyone who was involved in what happened or did not come to the rescue.

They close themselves off from family and relatives, allegedly punishing them in this way. Resentment, guilt, a feeling of disgust towards oneself, towards the opposite sex and towards everything related to the sexual, will accompany people who were sexually abused in childhood throughout their lives. In terms of damage to physical health, they experience arrhythmias and other signs of heart disease, gastrointestinal diseases, irritable bowel syndrome, and constipation. Here is a list of consequences for children with anal vector who have been subjected to sexual violence in the family.

Children with visual vector

Most often, girls and boys with a visual vector become victims of violence.

The consequences of sexual abuse of children with a visual vector are primarily problems in the emotional sphere. Fear is a feeling with which a visual child is born, a huge emotional amplitude is also their innate property. Under favorable conditions, such children develop from a state of fear to a state of love. The consequence of sexual abuse of a visual child will be delayed emotional development and getting stuck in fears. Subsequently, fear will develop into panic attacks, anxiety disorders, nightmares at night, and sleepwalking. Created for love, they become incapable of love. At the very least, overcoming humiliation and depression in order to open your heart to a man is almost impossible on your own.

Signs of emotional coldness and callousness appear. They cannot sympathize and empathize with other people. As adults, they often cannot create relationships. Signs and consequences include difficulty creating emotional connections.

At the physical level, these are various psychosomatic diseases - from conjunctivitis to serious visual impairment. Developmental disorders in the emotional sphere lead to fixation on oneself, on one’s own fears. This is expressed in whims, scandals, emotional blackmail, and demonstrative suicides. And another consequence of sexual violence is the formation of a victimological complex - when a woman regularly becomes a victim of deception, theft, bullying and repeated sexual violence. All this is studied at the “System-vector psychology” training. Feedback from participants is inspiring:

«… This terrible day... I barely fell asleep in anticipation of tomorrow. September 1st, first time in first grade... In the morning I wake up to my stepfather getting into my panties. My life has completely turned upside down. Every day he fell on me, how I screamed, begged my mother for help, and she was in the kitchen, and she didn’t care... Each deuce was imprinted with a soldier’s buckle on my skin. He beat me with or without a reason, taught me sense and reason, as I said... God, when will my little body grow up... I’ll kill...
...The first introductory lecture in August 2013. Here are all the answers, a balm for my wounded soul. Completed training with group 37. Fears, phobias, and suicidal thoughts went away at the very beginning of the training. The resentment towards the parents also went away, all the anchors of sexual harassment on the part of the stepfather were removed. Mom, I love you very much! I realized the nature of the relationship between a woman and a man. Gone was the feeling of guilt that haunted me, the full understanding that a child without a father would grow up to be a fully realized person and depend on his mother.
For the first time, the desire to get married appeared, I stopped being afraid of men and building relationships ... "
Ekaterina A., economist-manager, Moscow

«… This happened 43 years ago (it turns out that there is no statute of limitations for the psyche) and who would have thought that I had lived my entire life under the impression of this unspoken and unexperienced childhood horror - rape. I won’t rewrite my entire life script now - well, it’s “not very good.” I want to write so that someone would see my result and come to the training, if in those distant times there was a training or at least people nearby. This event cannot be removed, erased from the psyche - only training in System-Vector Psychology. It was so closed - I didn’t even remember it. For training, only for training...
...My perception of the world has changed, I would really like other people not to suffer for years, but to undergo training..."
Elena G., manager, Sochi

Children with skin vector

Children with the cutaneous vector are especially sensitive to touch and caresses; they have sensitive, delicate, velvety skin. The consequences of violence against such a child are manifested in the fact that he refuses to allow himself to be stroked, caressed, avoids caresses and touches, perceiving any stroking as a threat to his safety. Such children develop a “scenario for failure” and masochistic tendencies. As an adult, such a woman will unconsciously choose a partner who will abuse her. And in professional terms, the victim in childhood will also unconsciously choose a situation of failure, misfortune, humiliation, not realizing that he receives pleasure from failures and financial losses.

At the physical level, the consequences are manifested by tics, eczema and other skin diseases, problems with the spine, scoliosis and even a psychogenic hump.

Children with sound vector

Children with the sound vector are at risk of serious mental consequences, including deep withdrawal, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

For any set of vectors, the main consequence will be a loss of a sense of security and safety. The victim loses trust in the world around him, feels a constant threat to himself and is forced to defend himself in order to survive.

How to survive violence with the least consequences for mental and physical health?

If this tragedy happened to your child and he was sexually abused, then you should know that under no circumstances is the child to blame. The child was a victim of what happened, and the reason for this is not rooted in him. Children are not the initiators of violence. Parents should always be on the side of a child who has experienced sexual abuse. No matter how difficult it may be in such a situation, you should not make any negative assessments of what happened, accusations, phrases “shame on you,” and even more so there should not be any insults, screams, or a disgusted expression on your face. Start communication without showing your fears, horror, anxiety and confusion. The future mental health of the child depends on your behavior as parents.

The question may arise: is it necessary to talk to the child at such a moment? - Yes need. A word can kill, but it can also cure. Be sure to talk about what happened, showing maximum calm, care and love during the conversation. Create an environment of security. Gently and without pressure, ask questions and help answer them. If this is not done, then everything experienced will go deep into the subconscious and will live there, bearing destructive fruits - not only for his life, but also for your relationship with him.

The shame that a child experiences at such a moment is enormous. The feeling of shame sometimes reaches the edge, incompatibility with life. An acute sense of shame pushes one to commit suicide. The decision to die is made instantly under the influence of an acute sense of shame. Remember how F.M. Dostoevsky in the novel “Demons” describes the behavior of a girl who was raped by the main character of the novel? She shook her finger at the offender and went to hang herself. Resentment and an unbearable feeling of shame pushed her to do this. Parents, remember: it is you who must become the first psychological help, protection and support - in order to avoid the irreparable.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan is scientific knowledge that allows us to understand the nature of the psyche of a rapist; gives ideas about the behavioral characteristics of people with an anal vector in developed and undeveloped states. This knowledge makes it possible to notice and prevent danger in time. The training helps to get rid of the consequences of psychological trauma and domestic violence.